Founder Letter: The Stoked Relationship!
Hi Rosies!
I was chatting with a really great guy today— he's got it all: brains, brawn, with the heart of a lion, earnest and honest and nurturing, and he's hit that point where he's ready to start a family and build a home and community. He knows what he wants. His partner on the other hand, is all about keeping her options open, traveling solo for a bit, maybe playing the field. Not really releasing him, and not a full yes to him, either.
This guy is not getting the signs, and those signs have been there a good long while. He's kind of stoic and a little sad and there's a growing resentment at not being chosen. While his words say, "I’ll just be here, waiting and holding down the fort till you figure it out", his energy says otherwise.
As he spoke, a wave of sympathetic exasperation and fatigue passed through me. WHY would you continue to put yourself through that? Why settle for someone who’s not bursting at the seams with excitement to be with you? You don't have to suffer for love! I’m talking about finding that “HELL YES, let’s do life together” kind of love. Someone who’s all in, someone who’s as stoked about you as you are about them. If you're not there now, it's not getting better with babies!
For those of you who aren’t surfers, in the world of surfing, the stoke is that moment when you feel like you are flying, completely poised and being carried along by the wave. The stoke is an almost electric thrill, an emotional and spiritual high—where you’re deeply connected to the moment, the ocean, and the essence of being. It is a celebration of being alive, encapsulating joy, freedom, and boundless enthusiasm. It's the reason surfers brave the early morning cold, travel across continents, and dedicate countless hours to their craft. The stoke is all about passionate engagement.
We can also speak of stoking a fire, and that’s something else. You nurture and feed the fire, to ensure that its warmth and light continue to emanate, which is of course a metaphor for any endeavor that requires dedication to maintain and grow in a positive way.
The stoked relationship has both of these qualities: surfing’s deep enthusiasm for each other, and the firetender’s continuous effort.
The stoked relationship is fundamentally a non-hesitant lean in, a feeling of YES! YES! I want to play with you. I’m SO STOKED to be with you!
Signs of a Stoked Relationship:
* You Make Plans for Future Experiences
* You Admire Each Other’s Qualities, Traits & Achievements Out Loud
* You Stay Positive and Solution Focused, with Resilient Affection
* You’re Open and Communicative, Sharing Openly, and Deeply Curious
* You Put Effort into Personal Growth for the Relationship
* You Feel Energetic and Proactive
* You Feel Safe Showing Vulnerability
* You Are Generous with Your Time and Treasure
* You Joyfully Include Each Other in Gatherings of Friends and Family
Signs the Stoke Has Waned
* Decreased Effort in Communication
* Lack of Excitement for Future Plans
* Diminished Affection and Admiration
* Withdrawal from Shared Activities
* Reduced Effort in Personal Growth
* Lack of Energy and Engagement
* Increased Focus on Negatives
So if it’s Waned, Why Do People Stay?
Scared of Flying Solo: Nobody wants to feel lonely, and that fear can glue you to someone who isn’t quite Mr. or Ms. Right.
Feeling Not Good Enough: Sometimes, it's about thinking you can't do better, or that you don’t deserve someone who lights your fire.
Stuck in the Comfort Zone: It’s easy to stick with what you know, even when it's not all that exciting. The devil you know, right?
Bowing to the Crowd: Whether it's your mom, your best friend, or Instagram, outside pressure can make you hang onto a relationship that’s lost its spark.
Money Talks: Splitting can get complicated when your finances are tied up together, or if you’re worried about affording life on your own.
Hoping They’ll Change: Holding out hope that things will get better, that they'll become the partner you wish for, can make you linger in limbo.
Got Love All Wrong: If you think all relationships turn blah after a while, you might not realize you’re settling for less than you deserve.
Too Much Skin in the Game: The more time and heart you've put in, the tougher it is to walk away, even when you know you should.
Dodging the Drama: Sometimes, the thought of the breakup blowup or the tough talks just seems too exhausting to deal with.
Better Than the Ex: If the last one was a nightmare, a so-so relationship might seem like a dream come true, but remember, you deserve full-on happiness.
Knowing these traps can be your first step towards not falling into them- and if you're the one losing your enthusiasm, get honest with yourself and bring some more magic to the relationship, or make the space so you can both try again.
Maybe I'm preaching to myself here, reminding myself just as much as I'm telling all y’all, or anyone who needs this today, but you're worthy of a love that’s as enthusiastic about you as you are about it- and so is your partner.
And in the absence of someone else being on fire for you, you be on fire for you! Inhabit your own essence FULLY, and love your own life.
Viva La Stoke!
Love, Christine
Founder, Rosebud Woman