Chapter 3: Learning What You Want in Intimacy and How to Ask For It

This article is part of a weekly series adapted from our latest book, "The 9 Lives of Woman," by our founder, Christine Marie Mason. 

The Nine Lives of Woman

Chapter 3: Sovereignty

Learning What You Want In Intimacy, and How To Ask for It Critical Tasks in Sexual Maturity

Maturing sexually is not just about understanding the physical mechanics of intimacy; it's about a deep, evolving awareness of your desires, boundaries, and the dynamic nature of your needs. A critical task in coming of age sexually is learning to notice what sparks your desire, distinguishing between pleasure and excitement, understanding the types of touch that resonate with you, and identifying the mental and emotional scenarios that bring you closer to fulfillment. This journey of discovery is not static; it is fluid, shifting with the days, seasons, and stages of life. At its core, sexual maturity is about cultivating presence—being fully attuned to your body, your emotions, and your evolving desires.

Noticing What Brings On Desire: A Lifelong Exploration

As we age, our relationship with desire changes. The sparks that once ignited our passion may evolve, influenced by experiences, relationships, and our own personal growth. Learning to notice what brings on desire is an ongoing practice of self-attunement and curiosity. This involves paying close attention to how your body responds in various contexts and what sensations, settings, or connections activate your sense of aliveness.

This exploration is about more than just identifying physical triggers; it's about engaging with your whole self—your emotional landscape, mental state, and the broader context of your life. Desire can be influenced by countless factors, from your mental well-being to the changing seasons, and recognizing this is a vital part of maturing sexually. Each stage of life, whether marked by new beginnings, transitions, or endings, will offer new insights into what turns you on and brings you closer to yourself and others.

Differentiating Between Pleasure and Excitement: Navigating Evolving Sensations

A crucial part of maturing sexually is the ability to differentiate between pleasure and excitement. While excitement often involves a quick, intense rush—driven by novelty or anticipation—pleasure is more about sustained satisfaction and deep contentment. As you grow and your relationship with your body evolves, the things that excite you and bring you pleasure may diverge. Recognizing these differences allows you to craft intimate experiences that truly nourish you, rather than chasing fleeting highs.

Moreover, these experiences of pleasure and excitement will shift as you move through different phases of life. What feels deeply pleasurable in one moment may shift as your body and mind change. Understanding and honoring these shifts is an essential part of embracing your mature sexual self.

Discovering Preferred Touch: Being Present

Your preferences for touch will likely change over time, shaped by emotional states, physical changes, and new experiences. Discovering what kinds of touch you prefer involves ongoing exploration. This isn't just a one-time realization but a continual tuning into your body's needs and responses. Some days, a gentle caress might feel comforting, while you may crave a firmer, more assertive touch on others.

This ongoing discovery requires you to stay present with your body's signals. Your preferences are not fixed; they ebb and flow with your mood, health, and the context of your life. Being adaptable and open to these changes allows for a richer, more authentic, intimate experience that honors where you are in each moment.

Exploring Mental and Emotional Scenarios: A Shifting Landscape

The mental and emotional scenarios that fuel your desire are as dynamic as the rest of your intimate landscape. Whether it's a fantasy that once excited you or an emotional connection that made you feel safe, these scenarios can evolve. As you mature, you might find that what once worked for you no longer does, or new fantasies and emotional connections may arise that feel more aligned with your current self.

Recognizing the fluidity of these scenarios is an essential aspect of sexual maturity. It's about giving yourself permission to change, grow, and explore new terrains of your mind and heart. Being present with these shifts, rather than clinging to outdated narratives of what should work for you, allows for a more expansive and authentic expression of your desires.

Communicating Desires: Honoring Evolution and Presence

Effective communication with a partner is a cornerstone of mature intimacy. As your desires evolve, so too must the conversations you have with your partner. This means regularly checking in, sharing what's changed, and being open to the new ways in which your needs might show up. Communication is not a one-time task but a continuous dialogue that respects the evolving nature of your desires.

When communicating your needs, it's important to be present—not just with your partner, but also with yourself. Use "I" statements to express what you want, be specific, and approach these conversations as opportunities for mutual exploration rather than as rigid demands. This openness and presence can create a safe space for both you and your partner to express and honor each other's evolving desires.

Embracing Presence in the Flow of Change

Ultimately, maturing sexually and emotionally is about embracing presence amid change. Your desires, preferences, and the way you experience intimacy will inevitably shift throughout your life. Instead of viewing these changes as challenges, see them as invitations to deepen your connection with yourself and your partner. By staying present with your evolving self, you can navigate the shifting landscape of intimacy with grace, curiosity, and a commitment to honoring your needs as they are today, not as they once were.In this way, sexual maturity becomes less about reaching a final destination and more about the ongoing journey of discovery and connection. It’s a practice of being fully alive to each moment, allowing your desires to unfold and evolve as an integral part of your ever-changing, fully embodied experience of life​​.